Family Thang Page 26

“Reverend Jones and three of the deacons,” Reverend Walker continued, “suggested I take a few Sundays off. As if I work for them. Ha! I was preaching when Reverend Jones was loading his Huggies. Built that church with my own hands. My own hands, hear me!”

  To emphasize the point, he clawed the metal divider and shook it. Sheriff Bledsoe looked into the rearview mirror and gave him a frown.

  “My church, dammit! Mine! They can’t take it away from me!” After a fit of hiccups: “Can they, Sheriff? Can they kick me out my own church?”

  Sheriff Bledsoe, wondering if he should visit Ida’s house again after dropping off the reverend, shook his head. “I don’t think so.” He looked into the rearview mirror and again saw the bottom of the bottle. “You’ll be home soon, why don’t you wait to finish that?”

  “Take me to jail, Sheriff. My wife’s mad at me. ‘Better to live in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman.’ Proverbs, chapter twenty-one… I forgot which verse.” He made a gargling noise, which Sheriff Bledsoe feared was the precursor to an expensive interior detail.

  “The elder Sisters called her the other day and said they were going to join another church if I preached again. Guess what she told them? ‘I don’t blame you. I wasn’t married to him I would, too.’ I just had to get a drink. Haven’t had a drink in forty-five years. Glad I did, too. Wonder where I parked my car?”

  Sunlight flickered through the trees as Sheriff Bledsoe sped down the highway at seventy-miles-per. A large purple splatter suddenly appeared on the windshield. He turned the wipers on and pushed the fluid button. Purple goo smeared across the windshield. It would be dark soon. Reverend Walker’s house was less than five minutes away.

  “Lord almighty, how was I to know!” Reverend Walker said. “The average person digs a hole in the backyard, drops the mutt into it, says a few words and fills the hole. I’d known she was serious, I’d never gone along with it. God knows I wouldn’t have.

  “They dressed it up, rolled it in and by God I intended to bury it. I don’t go back on my word, Sheriff. Nobody’ll tell you Reverend Stanley Lucious Walker ain’t a man of his word. It would’ve worked if not for the boy… Somebody should lay hands on that boy… just beat the living shit out of him!

  “He ran, Sheriff. Ran! Up one side of the church and down the other, with a big, goofy nut chasing him. I was shocked more than anyone. Hell, I was mortified. A dead dog in a three-piece suit flying in the air, landing in my lap. A beast grabbed the microphone and put me in a headlock. You ask me, I’m the one who deserves an apology.”

  Sheriff Bledsoe pulled into the driveway of a three-story antebellum. The front yard adorned with ceramics: two lions guarded the front walk; a donkey pulled a red wagon carrying a small man wearing an oversized sombrero; a large elephant sprouted water from its trunk into a small pond. Near the porch a white jockey offered a ring.

  “Here ya go, Reverend, home sweet home.”

  “No, Sheriff, take me to jail. I’ve been gone three days—she’ll kill me if she sees me like this. One night is all I’m asking.”

  “I’m sorry, Reverend.” He got out and opened the rear door. Reverend Walker crossed his arms and stared at his lap. “Come on, Reverend. A good night sleep and tomorrow everything won’t look so bad.”

  “It’ll be worse tomorrow. Monday. My wife doesn’t work Mondays. I don’t know the whereabouts of my car and I’ll be stuck here with her. You know what I’ll be thinking when she rants and raves how big a fool I am?”

  Sheriff Bledsoe gently took hold of his shoulder. “Come on, Reverend. Tell me as we go inside.”

  “Three words, Sheriff. Kenny Damned G!”

  “Who? The dog?”

  “A dead dog,” shaking his head. “I lost everything because of a damn stanky dead dog.”

  Sheriff Bledsoe released his shoulder. “All this time you’ve been rambling about Larry Harris’ dog?”

  Reverend Walker gave him a look asking, “Where the hell have you been?”

  Sheriff Bledsoe looked at the house. A gold ornamental light fixture glowed above the door and only one of the second-story rooms cast a light. No one had stuck their head out to see what was going on.

  “Reverend, you sure you wanna sleep at the jail tonight?”

  “I sure do.”

  Getting behind the wheel: “Well, tonight you’re my guest. You can sleep in as long as you like. I won’t bother you. I probably won’t even be there. Only one thing I’m requesting. I need you to tell me again about the beast and the flying dog. This time I need all the details.”

  “I’d be glad to oblige. My mind, however, is a little fuzzy now. You think we could stop and pick up another bottle? I’ll buy. A little something to knock the cobwebs off my memory.”

  Sheriff Bledsoe backed out of the driveway. “I had a feeling you would say that.”

  * * *

  “Say it like you mean it!” she told Eric. “You’re playing games. I don’t have time for games,” jerking his head back, popping something in his neck. “Say it like you mean it!”

  “Ruth Ann,” he shouted with all the passion he could muster. “Help me!”

  “I have a gun,” Ruth Ann shouted back. “I know how to use it, too!”

  She stepped in front of Eric and fired three shots over the cabin. On the third shot, Eric stood up and started hopping as fast as he could… fell down, somehow got up, and continued hopping.

  The bondage around his legs loosened a bit and he ran… hopped… ran… hopped… ran…

  “Get back here!” she said, and he worried a bullet in the back. He kept going… tried to run only, tripped and stumbled head over end down an incline. At the bottom he couldn’t get back to his feet. How did I do it the first time?

  Footsteps… leaves crunching. He froze. Crunch crunch crunch crunch… coming closer and closer… and closer. And then—another epiphany!—the crunching kept going, right past him, farther away.

  He tried again to get to his feet… couldn’t. He would have to wait, and hopefully soon the police would come. So he lay there on his side, arms numb, right hand throbbing, face scratched and smarting, heart racing, and waited…

  …and waited, for what seemed like hours. He heard leaves crunching. She’s coming back! He held his breath. Once again she passed right by him, the crunching continuing up the incline.

  Damn this! He had to move. After kicking the restraint off one leg, he leaned on his right shoulder and painfully scraped his face along the ground toward his knees, and sat up, his bottom resting on his ankles.

  He pushed up, swung one leg in front, staggered up on it and stood up. Thank you, Jesus! The crunching noise started again… from down the hill, coming toward him. How? It had to be someone else.

  “Help! Help me! Help me!”

  A figure ran to him and clutched his throat.

  “Were you expecting someone else?” she said. “A savior? Huh?” He started choking; she released him. “Do you want to die?”

  Eric caught his breath before saying, “No!”

  “Then get back up there and get Ruth Ann to come out.”

  “I tried! I tried the best I could. Maybe you should go in there and get her yourself.”

  “Maybe I should shoot you and let you die out here. What you think about those apples, whore?”

  “I think I can get her to come out this time.”

  “You’ve got five minutes to convince her to come out. If you don’t, I’ll shoot you instead.”

  “Why you doing this to me? Why? I never did anything to you. I know I owe you ten dollars—can’t pay it till I get it.”

  She pushed him. “Move!”

  “Tell the truth, wasn’t I always nice to you? I treated you with respect.”

  She whacked the back of his head and he fell to the ground.

  “Ohhhhh! You bust my head! Is it bleeding?” She hadn’t really hit him that hard. He was playing for sympathy.

  “Get up!”

  “Ohhhhh! My head!
I can’t see! Hannity! Hannity, is it you? Ohhhhh!” Maybe the nut role might work. “Hannity, you’ve gone stale, bro—same shit every day!” He was in the middle of another “Ohhhh!” when steel kissed his tonsils.

  “Get up and shut up!”

  Immediately all pain ceased, and she didn’t have to worry about him saying anything. How could he with four inches of gun barrel shoved into his mouth.

  “Keep jerking me,” she said, “I’ll shoot in your mouth. You don’t want me to ejaculate prematurely, do you?”

  “I sheer daunt!”

  She yanked the gun out. He spat to rid the bloody-metallic taste.

  She led him near the same spot as before.

  “Five minutes, whore! You call her and tell her to get her butt out here.”

  Chapter 40

  Ruth Ann closed her eyes and braced herself. Death had entered the cabin, with her name on its lips. “Ruth Ann?” the intruder repeated.

  “Grab him!” Leonard shouted. Ruth Ann heard footsteps shuffling across the floor… poundings, someone saying oomph… more poundings, grunting and groaning.

  “I got him,” Shirley said. “Ow! Hold up! Leonard, is that you?”

  “Yes, it’s me.”

  “Stop hitting him. I got him in a headlock. Check his pockets for a weapon. Hurry up!”

  Ruth Ann opened her eyes and tried to distinguish the milieu, but it was too dark. “You got him, Shirley?”

  “I sure do, and it ain’t Eric.”

  “Something’s missing!” Leonard said. “It’s not a he!”

  A rustle came from the fireplace. “Robert Earl?” Shirley said.

  “What?”

  “Glad you could join us. It’s over now.”

  “It’s not a he,” Leonard said. “It’s a woman!”

  “I heard you the first time, Leonard. You checked her for a weapon, didn’t you?”

  “Yes, she’s clean.”

  “Anybody got a lighter… a match?”

  “No, I don’t have one.”

  “I don’t, either,” Ruth Ann said.

  “I have a penlight,” Robert Earl said. “No matches or a lighter.”

  “Robert Earl, if it’s not too much trouble, would you turn it on, please!”

  A small ray of light appeared, pointed directly in Robert Earl’s face, grinning sheepishly, without a single tooth in his mouth.

  “Leonard,” Shirley said, “would you please take the light from the toothless wonder and shine it over here so we can see who we got!”

  “Oh!” and played the light toward Shirley.

  “Oh my God!” Leonard shouted.

  “Jesus!” Ruth Ann exclaimed.

  Shirley screamed.

  “Momma,” Robert Earl said. “Y’all killed her!”

  “Let her go!” Leonard shouted at Shirley. She did, and Ida crumpled to the floor. Everyone, except Robert Earl, knelt down beside her.

  “Momma,” Shirley said, patting Ida’s face. “Momma, wake up! Momma, wake up!” The light moved away. “Robert Earl, keep the fucking light over here!”

  “Sorry.”

  “Mother, please wake up!”

  Ida blinked open her eyes, the right halfway, a black crescent forming underneath. Her expression bewildered and frightened, she tried to make out her surroundings.

  “She’s all right!” Leonard said. “She’s going to be all right!”

  “Momma, say something,” Ruth Ann said.

  Ida scanned her children’s faces. In a slurred whisper: “Was there a specific reason why y’all kicked my ass?”

  “Wasn’t me,” Robert Earl said.

  “Momma, I’m so sorry!” Shirley said. “Momma, we thought you were someone else.”

  “Mother, it was a mistake. We didn’t know it was you.”

  Ida pushed Shirley’s hand away from her face. “Sorry, hell! You punched me in the eye, put me in a chokehold! Who was it feeling underneath my damn clothes?”

  “Ask Leonard,” Robert Earl said.

  “Robert Earl,” Shirley said, “why don’t you go hide again? I’ll let you know if someone shows up with napalm. Go on!” Robert Earl didn’t move. Shirley returned her attention to Ida. “We’re sorry, Momma. Lord knows we are. We thought you were someone looking for Ruth Ann.”

  “I was looking for Ruth Ann,” Ida said. “Damn! Didn’t you hear me calling her name when I came in?”

  “Oh-oh,” Robert Earl said.

  “Momma,” Ruth Ann said, “why you come up here looking for me?”

  Ida sighed and stared at Ruth Ann, and then at Shirley and Leonard. “Robert Earl, son, would you stop shining the light in my face?”

  “No can do, Momma. We have to hand you over to the sheriff.”

  “She didn’t do it, moron!” Shirley said.

  “The only person left is your boyfriend.”

  “He didn’t do it, either!”

  “Seems to me we’re running out of suspects.”

  Ida stared directly into the light. “When he stops shining the light in my face, I’ll tell you why I come up here.”

  Shirley snatched the penlight out of his hand. “Go ahead, Momma.”

  “I found a will on the table,” Ida said. “I snapped. I didn’t know if someone was messing with my mind, trying to drive me crazy, or setting a trap for Ruth Ann. I tore up the kitchen.”

  “We know, Momma,” Shirley said. “The will is a fake. I should have told you. I didn’t want you to worry.”

  “Lord forgive me,” Ida said. “I might as well say it. There ain’t no will, never was one. I lied about there being one. You can hate me if you want, but there it is.”

  “Shirley, Leonard,” Robert Earl said, “I think y’all hurt Momma when y’all beat her up. She’s talking out of her head.”

  “Momma,” Shirley said, “what are you saying? I don’t understand.”

  “Your daddy never saved any money. He thought he was in his company’s stock-sharing plan—he wasn’t. They never told him he had to sign the papers. When he learned the truth, he did sign up, but then he was too close to retirement to save any real money.”

  “Why?” Leonard said. “Why did you tell Robert Earl he had a will?”

  “Because… because I missed my kids. Your daddy did, too. We had Shane, but still we missed our kids. Y’all were too busy to stop by for a few minutes. You’d say you were coming and never show up. We’d wait, not wanting to go anywhere in fear of missing you coming by. Hours later, nothing! Not even a phone call to tell us you couldn’t make it. I’d cook a big meal, and a few days later I’d have to throw it out. Larry and I could only eat so much.

  “We were lonely. I didn’t think it too much to ask your children to stop by every now and again and sit a spell. So I said what I said. Next thing you know the phone ringing off the hook day and night, family started coming over not knowing when to leave. I was going to tell everybody the truth at the barbecue…” She let out a soft cry. “…and someone murdered your father.”

  Something knocked on the far wall. Shirley pointed the light at the noise. Robert Earl was banging his head.

  He stopped and glared at Ida. “Bingo wasn’t an option, Momma? You know how much debt I’m in because of you?”

  “Shut up, Robert Earl!” Leonard said.

  “Make me! I’m in worse shape now than when I started. No job, no credit! Nothing from nothing leaves a headache! I saw a snake I needed to buy, couldn’t afford it. All ’cause Momma and Daddy didn’t think Viagra.”

  “Robert Earl,” Shirley said, “you keep disrespecting Momma, I’ll pop the tumor in your big head!”

  “You might as well do what you gotta do. I’m already tore up from the floor up.”

  “I’m sorry, son,” Ida said. “I shouldna lied to you. Lord knows I didn’t think it would come to all this. Just knew one of y’all would figure it out. Nobody thought the obvious. The man woke up in the middle of night to steal a rotten tooth to avoid forking over a quarter—and now he’s willing
out money, and he ain’t sick!”

  “It was Daddy who did that?” Leonard asked.

  “Yes, he did. I thought once y’all figured it out, we would laugh about it and y’all would start dropping by once in a while.”

  “Did Daddy know anything about this?” Ruth Ann asked.

  “No. He was curious why all a sudden everyone started calling and coming by. He wouldn’t admit it to nobody, even me, but he was glad y’all…” She broke, sobbing loudly. “He was a stingy, foul-mouthed cuss… but I loved him!”

  Robert Earl said, “Give me a break!”

  “It’s all right, Mother,” Leonard said. “Everything is going to be all right.”

  “I think about him every minute,” Ida sobbed. “Every second! I never intended to kill him!”

  “Mother, you didn’t kill him. You couldn’t have known.”

  “Depends on who you asking,” Robert Earl said. “She hasn’t said anything about the gopher poison in her closet.”

  “Shirley,” Leonard said, “what’s stopping you from kicking his ass? You didn’t hesitate tossing me across the room. Kick his ass and make him shut up! He’s not helping the situation here at all.”

  “What’s he talking about?” Ida said. “Gopher poison?”

  “Mother, I found a box of poison in your closet.”

  “Your father bought it for Shirley and she never got it. Shirley, you remember you told your daddy you were having problems with raccoons near your house?”

  “Yes, you’re right, Momma.”

  “Ruth Ann!” Eric called from outside, “please come help me! Please, Ruth Ann!”

  “Robert Earl,” Shirley said, “are you still feeling suicidal?”

  “Nope. Not at the moment.”

  “Who is that?” Ida said.

  “Eric,” Leonard said.

  “Why don’t he come inside?”

  “He wants Ruth Ann, Mother.”

  “What in heaven for? And where’s Shane?”

  “Ruth Ann!” a woman shouted. “Ruth Ann, I know you hear me!”

  “Who is she?” Leonard asked.

  “Estafay!” Shirley said. “Estafay! I knew it was her!”

  “Ruth Ann, you’ve got thirty seconds to get out here, or I’ll blow your boyfriend’s testicles off. I mean it, too! I sure will. You better get out here. Now!”